What if your life was perfect? That all paths actually led up the mountain, no matter what choices you made, how much money you had or lost, how many times you were married or had sex, if you cheated or were totally devoted to the same person for 65 years? No matter which way you turned, a hundred or a thousand times, it all led to the same place? What if enough was what you already have? That you were born with it and no matter what you did it would be simply be to gain more of what you already have? That right now, it was true that you have enough love, enough attention, enough freedom, enough health, had enough sex, enough courage and enough of what it takes to know you can never really have any more than you have right now?
And what if you prayed backwards? Stood at the place before you were born, where every prayer you would ever pray was already heard and all you had to do was lean in and listen to what already is so. And all you had to do to know anything would be to sit quietly and listen, to yourself, to that Divine wisdom right inside you?
That truth is, we are all one; every time you judged, harmed, had compassion, or loved another you were just judging, harming, having compassion, or loving yourself. Each time you lied, littered, disrespected, cherished, or gave with all your heart, it was you doing that to you.
What if these weren’t just words, that this was true and only thing there was “to do” in this life was to seek the freedom that awaits you…knowing every path leads up the mountain, that you have enough, that every prayer you will ever pray has already been heard, and that we are all one. That your life is perfect and that you know in your heart that there really is nothing else to know? Who would you be? What kind of relationship would be possible then?
Here are my takes on some of the questions you've sent in. Keep 'em coming!
“My boyfriend thinks its fine to go out and have drinks with my friends, without me. What do you think?”~ B.
Okay B, let’s start with what you think, because that’s what really matters here. I gather you don’t think it’s such a great idea. If it were my boyfriend out with my friends I would have nothing to worry about, if I had a history of trust with him on all fronts. So let’s start there. Do you have any reason to distrust either your boyfriend or your friends? If not, Stop, Drop and Roll! Stop before you do anything you will regret, and assess the facts. Drop in with yourself, your gut and heart, and see what you are really feeling; maybe insecure, resentful, jealous, frightened or some combination. Next Roll around in all possibilities of how you might best deal with your feelings. I would recommend first going off by yourself and feeling them all the way out; always better out than in, or at anyone! When you are empty, clarity usually follows, at which point you might let your boyfriend know that you feel (fill in the blank) when he goes out with your friends and you’re not included and see together if something deeper needs attention! If yes, you do have trust issues, and he’s out drinking with your friends more than once in a while, or you’re deliberately left behind and he’s not respecting you, deal with it directly. If you’re sure this relationship is worth the energy, set strong boundaries that give you room to heal that trust between you. No need to be with someone who doesn’t want to feel, deal, heal and BE with you!
"I’ve been married for six months and my best friend just came to live with us for a while (he lost his job). I just found out that they used to date and while I’m not totally comfortable with this, I am going on location for a few weeks (I am an actor) and will be leaving them alone. My wife is a model and gorgeous and honestly would be hard for anyone to resist, I’m just hoping she can. Should I say anything before I leave?" ~Fingers crossed in L.A.
Hmmm, actors, models, LA, marriage…Three’s Company? I don’t think so. I say your best bet is speak now or you’ll be forever holding your Oscar and not your wife. Here are at least 3 realistic concerns for you to consider. A) You’re just finding out about their past dating after he moves in, that’s not too weird, right? B) You don’t seem to trust either your wife or your best friend. And 3) you might be projecting; that is, you might not be able to resist you’re wife’s unemployed best friend that you used to date (but neglected to mention it until she moved in) sleeping under the same roof with you while your wife’s away on a shoot! Wake up and smell the statistics of marriages in California and do everything you can to avoid being one of them! Start by talking it through with your wife; you committed to love, honor, and respect each other. The first year can be especially rocky as we leave our single selves and all our history behind. Just hold her hand, tell her the truth and take the next step, which might be to move your friend and temptation to a nearby hotel.
“I have been with my wife for 14 years, married for 12. We had an open relationship for most of our life together and everything seemed to be fine except for the last 3 years. She has been spending more time with this one guy and it’s causing a strain on our relationship. When I asked her nicely to cut back she would play it off and find reasons to spend more time with him. I started getting more firm about them spending less time together and she said by me wanting that I was driving her into his arms and things got worse from there.
I said that if we were going to work things out he would have to be out of our lives and so he left and things got so much better, then she recently came up with a reason to talk to him again and said I had nothing to worry about, and soon we were right back to having the same troubles. I love my wife, faults and all, and will never give up hope that we can make things work. I will always try but I just don’t know what to do any help or advice would be welcomed thx.” - Kevin (33, Westland, MI)
The thing about relationships is, as Drew Barrymore once said so eloquently “You’re not the only one in it,” so no matter how gung-ho you are about doing whatever it takes to make this one work, until you both are on the same page your open marriage will feel more like an open wound as time goes by. You say you love your wife “faults and all,” so are you saying that she can have sex with other people just as long as she doesn’t get attached? And if she does, that’s a fault? And you’re troubled that she wants to spend more time with the other man? Sounds like you might want to revisit your definition of commitment and open marriage, together. While in theory open marriages sound good, they are difficult to navigate even for the most sophisticated creatures without crystal-clear agreements and understanding. I would say a consciousness agreement is in order. A written document you both create that spells out your relationship “declarations” and sets your relationship up to succeed! (Go to www.maryannelive.com for more info about consciousness agreements.) While men and women are wired slightly differently when it comes to sex, emotionally speaking we are all in the same boat when it comes to attachment. I suggest you get on the same page (or boat), or you’ll soon become two ships passing in the night no matter how much hope you have.
So, to sum all of these up: Stop, drop, and roll, get with your significant other and tell the truth with all your heart!