Are monkeys more sexually evolved than we are?

Listener Question: I've added you to my tediously exclusive club of mutually consenting mostly adults. Tell me, why does dropping one’s drawers have to be the line of demarcation? Is that really the point of no return? If so, then why do you consider it as such? My studies of aboriginal Polynesian societies have led me to delve into customs of touching in other nearly nude societies, including those of primates, with whom we share 98% of our DNA. These societies have no drawers to drop, yet raised peaceful, sexually wise kids. So, perhaps your next title should be: What You Should Know Before You Cover Your Wares. :-)

Maryanne Answer: Good question: what about dropping one’s drawers creates such a hard line—or as you put it, the abysmal point of no return? A question worthy of great consideration, no doubt!

I believe it was Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious Mr. Wrongs of our time, who said, and I will have to paraphrase, “As long as we have pornography men will continue to victimize and harm women,” which might explain why we do not live in a naked, leaf-eating, peaceful, sexually wise culture. IT’S NOT SAFE FOR WOMEN—yet. And while the Aboriginals may be sexually more evolved, they currently do not have access to the internet (or other forms of soul-sucking, spirit-killing, de-humanizing programming). And until women begin cutting their own clitoris out, I say we have some work to do with this.

In the meantime, I realized if we put that 2% of genetic difference to work we might be able to counter the overwhelming amount of suffering men and women experience in relationship. I saw a corollary between pausing prior to drawer droppage to consider, at length, its consequences, and the aforementioned suffering. That if we just waited a little longer before we succumb to the hormonal impulse to make a genetic cocktail, we had a greater likelihood of creating healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship. Somehow, it doesn’t seem likely the FDA will allow me to attach a human sexuality instruction manual to men’s penises (which isn’t meant to be discriminatory; it’s simply that women already have more than enough to contend with down there) that reads like a prescription warning label. “WARNING, may be HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH if taken internally. Do not drink ALCOHOL while handling, may cause heart palpitations, intense longing, dizziness, trouble concentrating, financial hemorrhaging, loss of memory, pregnancy and, in some cases, death. Consult your doctor if any of these symptoms persist.”

I wrote Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, instead, hoping to inspire an alternate impulse—to pause (not paws). To globally build our collective conscious imperative to delay our gratification, for the sake of man (and woman) kind. To build our global muscle that has atrophied in the wake of our fast-food mentality, and resurrect the ultimate truth that there is freedom in discipline, that the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. To use that 2% for everything it’s worth so that maybe someday, sooner rather than later, our priorities will change and we will value and hold in unison that which is naturally sacred before we all cross the point of no return.

But before we race off to transform ourselves, just because we can, let’s make an important distinction between humans and primates (an issue that seems to conjure great debate when talking about sex; *Oooh-oohh ooh eee eee eee aah aah aah). While there may be only a 2% genetic difference between monkeys and men, I remind you, fine sir, it is our ability to consider whether or not we ever “drop our drawers”—our inherent ability to reflect and consciously consider anything—which makes all the difference in the world (and also explains why those primates are not studying you). That said, we all need role models from time to time; why not an ape or an aboriginal? So let’s not look a gift horse (or any other animal, tribe, or alien) in the mouth, and take good relationship modeling where we can get it! If there is something to be learned from our furry or our scantily clad friends, if they can help us better determine optimal drawer droppage in this time/space continuum, far be it for me to stand in the way of such monkey business! Cheers to all beings and the light in each of us!!

(*Phonetic monkey translation of sex talk thanks to “I try” on Yahoo