Want to have better relationships? Figure out what your own defenses are and why you have them. Then learn how to deal with your own, and with those defenses that other people have. With an increased sense of safety, openness becomes much easier.

Jim Tamm is a former judge and an expert on dispute resolution and building collaborative relationships. He’s mediated more than 1,000 employment disputes during his 25 years as a senior administrative law judge for the state of California. He shares skills from his latest book, Radical Collaboration: Five Essential Skills to Overcome Defensiveness and Build Successful Relationships.

You can learn to better deal with your own defensiveness and that of others, negotiate your way through the conflict that is inevitable in any long-term relationships, solve problems meeting the interests of all the parties, and build more collaborative environments and relationships.