A reporter asked me to help him with his column the other day, and his first question was: “Valentine’s Day is coming up. But where can you meet someone if you’re single?” I replied, “That's like asking me where to go eat when you're hungry. First you need to tell me what you like, what you are hungry for? I certainly wouldn't want to send you to a seafood restaurant if you can’t stand fish! As elementary as it sounds, we need to make this distinction and move away from the one-size-fits-all relationship mentality. If you just want to meet "someone" you can go to a restaurant or bar. I can name a half a dozen singles haunts off the top of my head in Marin; the Buckeye Roadhouse, Picco, Poggio, Sushi Ran's Wine Bar, 2am club, and so on.
“But if you’re talking about meeting the right someone for you, then you need to invest some more time and effort. Otherwise you'll have to kiss a lot of toads, or just cross your fingers and hope you get lucky. An alternative is, get real clear on what you want. Real clear. And then go where you think those kinds of people hang out. The funny thing is, that when we set that strong an intention you almost don't have to do anything! Life responds to strong desires that are maintained over time. Or you can do both, get out there in the flow of like-minded folks and let a little elbow grease & serendipity lend a hand! As you like it.”
Then he wanted tips for singles to cope with Valentine's Day. “Valentine’s Day can go down two ways, as a day to be coped with or to be celebrated, just like anything in life. You can take it half empty or half full. If you're the woe-is-me type, you can have a pity party and make sure you feel more alone and desperate than ever, and remind yourself that everyone has a relationship but you. OR you can do what I did when I was single and give yourself exactly what you would want from your partner—maybe even invite another single friend! Seriously, why wait for chocolates and flowers? Send ‘em to yourself. Go have that massage, or stay home, light a fire, read poetry aloud, start a bubble bath. Here's the deal: life will treat you EXACTLY how you treat yourself. So dive in and use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love yourself! I promise, if you do this with real sincerity, you won’t be alone for long. Not only will this kind of investment in yourself ooze and emanate from every pore, making you an irresistible magnet for LOVE, but the universe itself will mirror and support you as well! You simply cannot lose!”
Where are the hot spots to meet people for romance these days, he wondered?
“Again, it’s not about some special place: there's nothing out there if you really want to know the truth, only an exact reflection of what inside of you right now. For example, I met my husband in my dream, eight years before I ever met in him in real life, name and all! So stop, take care to know who you are, what you want and then simply focus on that. The party (the love fest) is wherever YOU are. Know that we are relational beings and the only thing to do is BE what you want in a relationship. Honestly, this is no joke, you will draw it to you. It’s a physics law: nature abhors a vacuum. Okay, you likely will have to leave your home, but not before you are prepared. Remember what are you hungry for? Unless you’re not picky; then see above restaurant list. You don’t want more of what you've already had; disappointment and failure, right? If you think you're ready, just go, go out to places that make you happy and do things you love that are in alignment with your real self. Here are some places I know of in Marin where people have come across a real and true partner: the Farmers market, the Five Rhythms Dance community, Spirit Rock on Monday nights, Film Festival galas, art openings, and singles events thrown by local matchmakers to name just a few.
“To recap: look within, find out who you are and what you want, then go out there and do what you love!”