Cotton Candy Bouquets

So many dreams I mistook them for balloons

Streaming through life

Sweeping up their long curly strings in my hand

Wrapping them tight around my wrist

Pulling them down from the pale blue sky

Like cotton candy bouquets

Whenever I felt the whim

Just because I wanted to

Just because I could

It was so easy then

So much fun

I popped them

Sat on them

Pretended I was pregnant with them, tied them to chairs

Tables, my wrist and even my little brother

Then watched them magically float away

I wondered how high they could go

I wondered how high I could go.

I wondered.

I wanted to play in the clouds

So I tried

I jumped as high as I could off everything

I did back flips in gym class

Did cartwheels on ice

And sought out every trampoline I could find

Until one day I flew off my mother's bed and cracked my head open.

 

I wanted to fly

So I tried

I swung from the monkey bars with determination and grace

I dared the balance beam with my arms stretched out to the side

I climbed the highest ladders and slid down every slide

Until one day I ran a race and won but was disqualified

I was so excited I had walked back in someone else’s lane

 

I wanted to Love

And I did

I talked all night until we fell asleep

Kissed until my lips were raw

Made love my very first time and disappeared

Until one day my heart shattered

I watched him drive by that very day with another girl

 

I wanted to sing ~ Lisa told me my voice was too low

I wanted to be a model ~ Toni told me my nose was too wide

I wanted to act ~ I was afraid I couldn’t remember my lines

I wanted to play music ~ I broke my finger

I wanted to paint ~ Ms. Mattis yelled at me because I painted outside the lines

I wanted, I wanted, I wanted

I wanted everything!

But they told me I had to stop wanting so much

That I wanted too much

That I couldn’t have what I wanted

That you can’t have it all

That I was spoiled and selfish

To quit acting like a child

That life is hard and then you die

That money doesn’t grow on trees

That nobody gave them a break why should they give me one

There are kids starving in Africa—right now.

That it’s a cruel world out there

That you're lucky if you have five true friends

That there is only ONE true love

That only 2% of the population will ever be rich

That it’s us against them

Me against the world

To get over it

That we are going to die in 2012

Who do you think you are? They scorned as I tried to keep wanting.

I didn’t know

So naturally-

I died.

I watched my self fade into the bleak deserted future

My body hardened

My Spirit abandoned

There was nothing left but…play the game

Say yes when you mean no

Be nice to get what you need

Say anything to get what you want

Do anything to get what you can

Take anything you can get

Hang on

Don’t let go

Never say die

Never give in

Never give up

Take the money and run

Bigger is better

Fuck em if they can’t take a joke

I am laughing all the way to the bank

This is mine

That’s mine

These are yours

Those are mine

He’s mine

You’re mine

Wait…

Someone’s coming

He’s coming

Is anyone coming?

Is anyone out there?

And naturally…

I died again

 

And then one day I cut off my balloons

Me so tired of dying

Me want to live

Me want to celebrate

Me want to perform anyway

Me want to sing anyway

Me want to paint anyway

Me want to play anyway

Me dance ANY WAY

Me vulnerable anyway

Staying open anyway

Heart open anyway

Open anyway

Everyway

Everyday

This day

Right here

Right Now

Finally

At Last…

For my husband David on 1/30/07, and it's just gotten better since then!