Let me ask you this; why are you single right now? Is it because you are enjoying your time as a single person and don’t desire to be in a partnership, or perhaps you’re having fun enjoying all the delights of being on the prowl? OR are you single because you just broke it off with someone who broke your heart or betrayed you, just finished a painful divorce, are a single parent and don’t want to be, or simply feeling lonely and longing to be in relationship? Whatever the truth, the answer to this question is no small matter, and is of great ultimate consequence primarily because why you start the process of attracting and creating a healthy relationship is maybe even more important than how. It’s definitely where most of us go wrong when we first meet someone we are attracted to. Let me spell it out: If we feel great about who we are, our current circumstances and relationship status, the odds of attracting a great mate or partner are exponentially higher than if we are still wounded, contracted, have unfinished business, or are feeling insecure and needy! If we start a relationship from a place of feeling deficient, we more often than not start off by worrying more about what another will think of us and trying to negotiate and navigate selling ourselves to them, trying not to do anything that would/could/might just maybe in any way shape or form interfere with what feels like the fragile chemistry that exists between two people who have just met. As opposed to seeing who they are, “I know what I am bringing to the party, whatchu got?”
If you are starting out with any fantasy, especially a “Rescue me!” fantasy, a “You complete me” attitude, or the idea that someone is going to sweep you away and make everything okay, I urge you to reconsider jumping into the relationship. While we all feel a little vulnerable on first meeting someone, when we throw in unhealed wounds, low self-esteem, and some neurosis, we are really setting ourselves up to fail—never mind not bringing our “A game” to the table, which your prospective partner deserves!
So, let’s say you are ready; your past is in check, you’re in a great relationship with yourself and are now sincerely looking to find that special someone to share your life with!
Let me remind you, there are 1.45 million potential partners out there for you, so not to worry; you get to relax and enjoy the process. I know, I have been single, and even under the best circumstances it can be anxiety-producing (never mind time-consuming and potentially draining) to put yourself out there, so let’s set you up to succeed! These questions are part of my tried and true inner-view process that will help you navigate your way through the many potential dates and mates, helping steer you towards those whom you feel might be a good fit and away from those you don’t!
WARNING: Keep in mind that these questions and inquiries are for those who actually want to find a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, and proceed with graceful caution! Take care to be curious and willing to be delighted and surprised. And remember, the Inner View® process works both ways.
Your “Plan A” got you this far; if you’re like most of us when it comes to relationships, that meant you had no actual plan at all. You used the chemical litmus test, chemistry as an indicator of a good fit for a LTR, and shot out of the cannon towards Happily Ever After like everyone else. So here’s your mission, should you decide to accept it:
Remember who you are and what you want Do not compromise your non-negotiables Lead with your authentic self, not your seduction routine Go for it!
Plan B: The Inner view
You know how hard it is to love yourself, know yourself and stay present to yourself? Yeah, the hardest thing there is to do, ever! Now multiply that by infinity and keep that in mind, because that’s how hard it feels to make a relationship work when we don’t take care to really know who we are getting involved with. Let me emphasize the point by spelling out that, yup, it takes time and work to get to know people, so select your candidates carefully. One way to make the initial process easier is to continue to deepen and use your inner navigational system, your intuition! Never underestimate your hunches and gut feelings; 97% of all our communication is made pre-cognitively, which also means the body NEVER lies. Learn how to trust this mechanism if you don’t already, and use it liberally; it will save an unnecessary waste of everyone’s precious time!
Let’s start out with a few reminders about GREAT relationships:
* Love does not have a shelf life, it’s an energy field which emanates and is generated from and by you, therefore no one can give it to you or take it away. * Intimacy grows as a result of trust and respect! * Take as long as you like. You don’t get to have your first kiss twice, making love is sacred and a privilege, and taking your time to get to know a person is healthy. Waiting as long as you need will be respected by anyone truly interested in a real relationship!
Four essentials to ascertain before you give out your contact info, and why:
1. Who is this person and who do you know that knows them? In this day and age keeping this boundary, at minimum, is ESSENTIAL. Do they live nearby, where do they work or shop? You need to establish some basics before you go handing out your 411 so you don’t need a 911. I always recommend that until you have firmly established someone you have never met before as a member of some community or organization or a friend of someone you trust, you ask for their contact info and then Google them or check them out further until you make some safe connection. This is especially true for women! And use that intuition here; if it feels unsafe it probably is!
2. Are they single? Many people make the mistake of thinking because someone acknowledges them, is paying attention or flirting with them, they are single. NOT TRUE. Get the facts.
3. Are they available? Just because someone isn’t married or in a committed relationship doesn’t mean they are available. They could be sleeping with someone or several other people, have a girlfriend, don’t want a relationship, are just looking for casual sex, or are simply yanking your chain because they are bored or unhappy.
4. Where do they live? Finding out if someone is GU (geographically undesirable) is important, as the average person who truly is ready for a relationship doesn’t want the added hassle of relocating or the stress it brings, so unless you meet someone else who owns a jet or has lots of excess cash to travel or doesn’t mind the distance between you (or vice versa), check it out up front. No need to romanticize that one person. Just do the math, there are likely several thousand other candidates who live closer!
Asking these questions shouldn’t be too hard—after all, what have you got to lose? Bottom line, anyone will respect you for taking care to take care of yourself. By the way, this information right here not only could help prevent you getting your heart broken, it could save your life!
Be sure to read the next installment, which reveals the top 5 questions you should ask every man on a first date and the number-one thing you should know before you do.